Trump Adopts More Presidential Style

President-Elect Trump – finally caving to calls for him to act more presidential – in an effort to find something, anything, he can do that bears some resemblance to other presidents before him, has chosen to adopt President George W. Bush's penchant for addressing others by nicknames. He expressed hope that this would "get people off my back a little about acting presidential," turning both hands back and forth in the air as he spoke and drawing out the last word ("presidential") in a taunting, childlike manner.

A few of the nicknames he's put to use so far for those in his inner circle:

Ivanka – "Sugar Tits"

Kellyanne Conway – "Molasses Tits"

Steve Bannon – "Dr. Bruce Bannon"

Reince Priebus – "Rinse Pubis"

Rudy Giuliani – "Ruby Jewels," which quickly degenerated to "Red Balls"

Jeff Sessions – "Grand Dragon"

Scott Pruitt (new EPA head) – "Burner in Chief"

Nikki Haley – "Token"

Ben Carson – "Black Mr. Rogers"

Trump has enjoyed adopting Mr. Bush's style so much that he's resolved to do everything Bush did, "but even more bigly. Biglier wars, biglier deficits, biglier unemployment, biglier market crash and biglier recession." He went on, "basically, everything opposite Obama is what we're going to do. The whiter the better."